I have always felt that the best way to mentor, teach or advise others is to ask questions.
Instead of going into lecture mode (as I sometimes do, admittedly)…
There are a few important reasons for this.
Firstly, our advice is deeply influenced by our experiences, beliefs, and values, which are unique to us and are not necessarily applicable to others. Akin to parents steering their children towards ‘safe’ careers like accounting or engineering because it worked for their generation, overlooking their passions and the evolving job market.
Secondly, as soon as we learn new information, we begin to forget it. A good way to circumvent this, is to allow the recipient to arrive at the conclusions themselves with questions that encourage critical thinking.
I’ll explain in more detail for the nerds in the Book Club. Long-term memory is served by four major neurological drivers, known as the AGES model, which stands for Attention, Generation, Emotion, and Spacing.
Our memory retention increases when we generate knowledge and find an answer rather than just reading. Generation involves the act of creating (and sharing) your own connections to new and presented ideas.
Advice has a limited chance of making its way into another person’s long-term memory. If you ask that person a question and they answer it themselves, the odds of them remembering increase.
Thirdly, we may not understand the real problem when we rush to offer solutions. Sometimes, when someone faces a challenge, the real issue may not be what they’re saying. Unless we dig deeper and uncover the real problem, we may simply be barking up the wrong tree if we enter into preaching mode.
In order to avoid these problems, The Coaching Habit suggests seven questions you can start using right now!
1. “What’s on Your Mind?”
Sometimes the best question is the simplest question.
The question “What’s on Your Mind?” opens the door for the other person to share what’s most pressing, whether it’s a source of excitement or anxiety.
And for those of us who grew up in the Facebook era, this was the golden key to how they unlock a wealth of content on the platform.
Simple, yet elegant – what’s on your mind?
You aren’t telling them or guiding them. You’re showing them the trust and granting them the autonomy to make the choice for themselves.
If they need prompts, use the 3Ps:
- Projects —any challenges around the actual content.
- People —any issues with team members/colleagues/other departments/bosses/customers/clients.
- Patterns—if there’s a way that you’re getting in your own way, and not showing up in the best possible way.
It works because it’s open and encourages people to share what matters most to them.
It might be something that excites them or it might be something that causes them anxiety.
2. “And What Else?”
In most cases, the first response they give you is only the surface level, and almost never the full answer. It’s merely the tip of the iceberg.
“And what else?“ helps reveal deeper layers beneath the initial response, fostering a more meaningful conversation. Additionally, the first idea is rarely the best, so this question will likely lead to more elegant solutions.
I love this question because it’s effective at flushing out the topics, challenges, and opportunities a person may want to discuss.
A general rule of thumb is to ask this question a minimum of three times and no more than five times. “There is nothing else” is the response you seek.
When you ask, “and what else?,” you’ll often find that the person comes up with the idea you were going to share on their own.
And if they don’t, then you can offer your idea.
3. “What’s the Real Challenge Here for You?”
This is the focus question. It’s common for people to jump between topics, and sometimes, you may wonder if they are describing symptoms instead of the actual problem.
The question, “what’s the real challenge here for you?,” shifts the focus to the heart of the matter, encouraging a personal reflection on the true obstacle.
The “for you” is critical, because it focuses the question squarely on the person you’re talking to, helping them to focus on what’s really challenging them, rather than talking about other people or projects.
It is important to create a moment of silence where you can give the person space to think and figure out the answer.
This question can be rephrased as “If you had to pick one of these to focus on, which would be the real challenge for you? ”
4. “What Do You Want?”
Asking for what you want is sometimes a challenge, especially if you know that you may be rejected.
In other cases, people may fear asking for help, thinking it shows weakness.
As a result, coachees and mentees may spend most of their time beating around the bush instead of expressing what they really want.
“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw
And the question, “what do you want?,” forces the person to confront that.
If the person answers flatly, you can force more clarity by asking, “but what do you really want? ”
This question focuses the person on the outcome they desire, which is often enough to clarify the next step.
5. “How Can I Help?”
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt this, but there are times when I raise a problem, and someone proceeds to help in a way that’s not exactly helpful.
I may have communicated poorly…
It could also be that he misunderstood me and jumped to conclusions.
Either way, this can be avoided by asking “how can I help? ”
Taking the time to ask someone how you can help forces them to make a clear and direct request, and it prevents you from making poor assumptions.
I know, I know. It’s scary to ask such an open question, because it feels like you are issuing a blank cheque.
You may find it comforting to know you can respond in a variety of ways regardless of the answer you receive:
– “Yes”
– “No, I can’t do that”
– “I can’t do that… but I could do [insert your counter-offer]”
– “Let me think about that.”
– “I’m not sure—I’ll need to check a few things out.”
6. “If You’re Saying Yes to This, What Are You Saying No To?”
As the saying goes, “A yes is nothing without a no.”
The question, “if you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?,” asks the person to clarify their idea and commit to it. It forces the individual to think about how to create the space, focus, energy, and resources needed to execute their idea.
Here is where the trusty 3P model can be useful.
Projects
– What projects do you need to abandon or postpone?
– What meetings will you no longer attend?
– What resources do you need to divert to the Yes?
People
– What expectations do you need to manage?
– What relationships will you let wither?
Patterns
– What habits do you need to break?
– What old stories or dated ambitions do you need to update?
– What beliefs about yourself do you need to let go of?
Having trouble deciding what to say No to? Here are five strategy questions to help:
– What is our winning aspiration?
– What impact do you want to have in and on the world?
– Where will we play?
– How will we win?
– What management systems are required?
7. “What Was Most Useful for You?”
Recalling and reflecting on what just happened creates new neural pathways.
Managers, coaches, and mentors have the responsibility of creating spaces where people can learn.
“What was most useful here for you?” is a strong and positive way to finish a conversation. By finishing on an “this was useful” note, you not only help people observe and embed the learning from the conversation, but you also help them remember it more favorably.
Conclusion
The journey from advising to asking is more than just improving communication; it’s about enhancing understanding, retention, and application of the insights shared. It demonstrates the power of guiding rather than telling, of illuminating rather than directing.
In considering these insights from “The Coaching Habit,” I invite you to reflect on how asking the right questions can transform your interactions, whether in a professional or personal setting.
I look forward to reading your thoughts and feedbacks—simply leave a comment below!
Warmest regards,
Thomas